BREAKING: Arch Manning Suffers “mysterious injury” After Rough Game Against Ohio State

The college football world was shaken today as Texas Longhorns quarterback and football royalty Arch Manning has speculation building following last week's shit performance against the Ohio State Buckeyes.

After throwing 1* interception (should’ve been 2 if the refs weren’t SEC biased), and being off target on 37% of his passes. Many longhorn burner accounts are remiss either defending their golden boy or in fear that there is something wrong with their precious Archy.

While not being listed on the official injury report for the upcoming San Jose St game, sources close to the team are reporting that Arch is suffering from a cocktail of next-generation football injuries never before seen by medical science.

Here is the differential diagnosis plaguing Manning post-Ohio State:

Bruised Ego with “Red-Dot” Legacy Fracture

Team doctors confirmed that Manning sustained a severe Ego Contusion after realizing he is not the second coming and the target is indeed on his back.

Surgeons are currently trying to graft a portion of Peyton’s 2006 MVP season onto his psyche to stabilize the damage.

Hyperextended Family Expectations

An MRI revealed that the weight of being a Manning finally folded Arch’s spine like it was Kyle Umlang’s cooler dildo. Orthopedic specialists have labeled this as the first case of "Hype-Displacement Syndrome," in which the body can no longer carry the burden of generational talent and ESPN documentaries.

The recommended treatment? Three weeks in an isolation chamber filled with Eli Manning bobbleheads whispering “it’s okay to just be average.”

Fear not knockers, it will only get significantly worse for him once SEC play starts (outside of maybe the Kentucky game, shoutout Calzada)

Yours Truly,

Shrek

PS. This is a joke